A commonly asked relationship question is: "How do I buy my partner to open up to me?” The pain housed within this question is so legitimate because intimate relationships are built on a foundation of… intimacy.....
Relationship scientists have attempted to define intimacy in a number of various ways. For our purposes here, let’s use a definition from group therapy researchers, Lyman and Adele Wynne (2007). Intimacy may be a “relational experience that's characterized by mutual exchange and an ambiance of proximity and engagement between two persons.”
In other words, intimacy is about having the ability to open up to your partner and trust that what you're sharing is going to be handled with respect and care. Researchers and theorists have debated the degree to which intimacy is a private capacity (like a personality trait) or a relational dimension/characteristic. the solution seems to be that intimacy is both a trait and a dynamic. The complexities of loving and being loved to mean that the solution to most questions on intimate relationships finishes up being hearty both/and.
So, we yearn for closeness. We yearn to be ready to share our interiors with our partners—our hopes, dreams, fears, concerns, and questions. and that we yearn for that very same quiet access into our partner’s inner world. Feeling as if we are met with a closed-door is painful and creates the conditions for loneliness. “How do I buy my partner to open up to me?” is such a legitimate question.
Origin Stories
There’s something problematic, however, about the framing of this question. Whenever we ask, “How am I able to get you to…” we are (subtly) seeking control over another person. I offer here a mild reminder that the sole person we've control over is ourselves, and therefore the most we will ever do is “set the table” and hope they're going to join us. Try reframing the question, asking this constraint question instead: “What is keeping my partner from opening up to me?” If you're conversant in my work, you recognize I really like to ask “constraint questions.” Constraint questions are a central part of Integrative Systemic Therapy (IST), the model that has been developed and refined at The Family Institute at Northwestern University over the last 25 years. Constraint questions:
- Plant the seed of the possibility that things are often different by creating a hopeful frame around the problem.
- Focus us on what's blocking the healthy response. Once we all know what's blocking the “solution” (here, opening up) we will start to figure on lifting that constraint. Reflect on the question: “What is keeping my partner from opening up to me?” If you would like “extra credit” you'll ask your partner this question directly. Some common constraints to an emotional vulnerability that I see in my work include:
- Gender Role Socialization: If your partner has been socialized within the masculine, he learned early to associate emotional vulnerability with weakness. He was told implicitly and explicitly to stay a stiff upper lip, stay his guard up, and positively never, ever cry. His intimate relationship with you'll be the primary and only place he ever exposes. While the quantity he exposes may feel only an in. deep to you, to him, it's going to feel as deep because the ocean because it stands in stark contrast to his other relational experiences. this is often not an excuse. it's a context. I would like men’s partners to expect the depth and tenderness that foster intimacy because I even have seen men grow into this ability. I just also want men’s partners to practice patience. What may desire resistance is more likely inexperience.
2.Family of Origin Dynamics: If your partner is from a family that didn’t “do feelings,” these muscles never developed. Again, not an excuse, but a context. What you're wanting and needing is in contrast together with your partner’s prior experiences.
3. Marginalized Identities: If your partner occupies one or more marginalized identities, they'll well have had times when their vulnerable self-disclosures were dismissed, disbelieved, or used against them. Becoming self-protective could be a survival strategy that helps them navigate the ways during which the wind is at their face. There are many other origin stories.
There are many other origin stories. See if this list helps you feel more curious and/or compassionate about what could keep your partner from opening up to you.
Strategies
Now that we've checked out what could be keeping your partner from opening up, let’s mention how you'll invite your partner into emotionally vulnerable conversations.
1. Set the Scene: Reflect on the settings that tend to market closeness and ease for the 2 of you. What time of day? What room(s) of your home? Or are you outside? Are you walking? Seated? Lying down? during a car? within the tub? Is there music playing within the background? Are you eating or drinking? Intimacy is context-dependent, so intentionality matters.
2. Go Meta: Ask your partner once they would be available to offer their full attention to a conversation with you. If vulnerability feels out of control for them, choosing the time and place for the conversation can help them desire they need some control. The conversation isn't being sprung on them in a way that feels pressured and/or inescapable.
3. Start With Short and Sweet: Remember that intimate conversation is a muscle that your partner may be building for the first time. A brief conversation that feels connecting is preferable to a long conversation that goes off the rails. Build on small victories.
4. Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection: When your partner opens up to you, albeit it’s brief and simple, express gratitude. Letting your partner know that you simply appreciate their willingness to stretch for the great of the connection is way from patronizing and maybe a strong motivator. What we specialize in we get more of!
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